Thoughts

Hiya,

Tonight, despite writing a little 'sign off for Christmas' post, I feel like writing and so will probably post this at some point in the new year :D. Seriously I am a muppet at times, I forget that sometimes I don't write to keep a regular time scale in blogging, most of the time I find myself writing when I don't have the physical energy to swim (something that I love as much as music), and need a way to get feelings out in a (hopefully) productive way.
I don't want this post to be pessimistic at all. It's just my thoughts and musings on situations. It may get a little deep - but y know me.. I'm a bit of a tangent maker :D.
I'm just thinking about life and growing up.
When you go to school, in a generic education, you are placed with people in a institutional environment for a good 16 years. Then a further few year after this of course, if you chose the higher education pathway. In this time, with the people who share your birth year (pretty much), you grow and develop. Through all having the same stimulus'. This is why, I understand, along with the fun and lack of responsibility, school days are described as the best of your life. I don't know, I'm pretty sure life can be brilliant at all ages, but you've got to agree, there's nothing quite like the regularity of school. I personally loved school, I met most of my close friends there and it definitely made me, me. But likewise, I recognise the brilliance of freedom growing up brings also.
Anyway, what I mean to say is that after this very long phase of your life, you have choices. Either, continue education, apply for an apprenticeship or go into full/part time work. This is when, the people whom you grew with, now make their own decisions that form their lives and this  puts you on slightly different pathways. This is slightly sad but ultimately wonderful as, after all, we only want each other to succeed and this change makes us who we are and become. There is also excitement in this change, for new friendships, relationships and choices present themselves.
However, the thing I'm struggling with is, I'm sure a situation felt by many. If for some reason through health or personal circumstances, you fall out of this 'loop', you are already on a completely different path to your peers. Incredibly daunting and deeply shocking this may feel (you always expect to do things in the same pattern as others do things), you learn that there are many opportunities brought by change and for me, the people I've met that I wouldn't of met and this makes me feel so grateful. (Although of course I would swap the old situation of doing things at the same time as my peers, with doing it my own way any day, it is what it is.).
I'm forever emensely happy for my friends, that they are doing all that they ever wanted to do. That they are achieving brilliant things fills me with so much joy I could completely burst. I would never want those friends to worry if I'm not right behind them in my path, I will make sure I get there in my own way, and they've got to focus on reaching their goals. However I am writing tonight just because understanding how you are on a different path, completely without any power or choice in the matter,  is one of the hardest thing I've come to accept. I WILL get there, I will do my best to achieve above what I could possibly imagine to achieve. If I feel poorly often, how can I impose pressures from when I was well? It's simply foolish. If I feel better I will do more. If I feel worse I will do what I am able. Even though I write so 'matter of fact' in that I've had to accept this is how it is, there is still a great pain in this, but one that will fade the stronger I get, when I am able to do more and achieve what I can without physical restraints.

But I do not want this to be seen in a depressing way, it is very sad that I feel I am capable of so much more than I can often show, but every day that I can do something, surely that's worth the stars anyway :).

I am constantly humbled by people who are far more restricted than I am, but continue to live and achieve. You can always achieve SOMETHING. Whether it be to read a book or gain a Nobel prize, these goals could've been set by the same person at different times of their life based on their health or age I suppose (everybody has to start somewhere anyway).

I guess what I am saying is always be proud of what you can do and don't compare it to what the person next to you can do, you are completely different and uniquely talented beings.

Thank you so much for reading this,
I hope it's made sense in a positive observation, rather than negative and that to achieve is wonderful in any sense.

Lots of love,
Molly xxx