Beauty in words

Hey,

I hope you're all really really well and happy:). It's almost new year and so I hope you've had a lovely and magical one, but that your 2017 is even better.
I realised tonight (sorry if I'm deep but I don't know, I just think a lot), that recently when I've been writing I feel like I'm not writing how I feel. Like, I am to an extent, but I think because I'm aware, through sharing this on social media, that people actually sometimes read it that I change my style to maybe entertain more?  You can't actually begin to imagine how completely blown away and humbled this makes me feel as.. To just take time out of your day to read my waffle is so so lovely. Thank you so much.
But, I'm writing tonight after feeling parculiar for quite some time. By this I don't mean depressed or scared or lonely just... Not myself... Not in touch with me if that makes sense? I get that from time to time. Sometimes I feel not 'me' and every single time I realise that it's when I'm getting a little bit too big for my boots, a little too materialistic or just,  I don't know, stupid. I realise that if I'm not going to be myself, to me there is no point in writing at all and so I vow to try and always be me from this day on. There may be times when I'm sad or frustrated and chose not to put this, but I wouldn't be lying, I'd just rather focus on the good things. Life is wonderful after all, and everyone feels off at times and it's usually when I feel poorly, which I'm pretty sure is normal.
Anyway, this means that I'm going back to how I did blogging before, as a means of expressing what I can't always express. This means it may come across self centred but I really wish it doesn't. I'd rather write about self centred feelings though I guess, if it means I can focus on others in every other aspect of my life.
Well, I do ramble don't i?! ;)
What I really want to talk about is poetry. Sometimes by reading a poem it brings me back to me. It's kind of like my belief in God that I never talk about, but is part of me. It's just kind of there.
So I read a few poems by my favourite poet, who wasn't even classed as a poet, but an actor, Richard Beckinsale. And this has made me want to write, so here is a poem I cannot chose a name for:

Untitled poem

I really don't know where I went
Turning to social media surely isn't the way to vent
Judging myself by well lit rooms
Scanning the happiness or doom and gloom
I don't know what happened it really isn't me
To stress over the smallest things and get angry
Sometimes I get lost in it all
Wanting to impress, whilst feeling small
I don't know why, I'm really unsure
Confidence is an act when your eyes sweep the floor
But don't you see it doesn't need to be like this
The people that know you, understand the shift
Between being you and that stranger who seeks
Approval at pictures make up or meek
Bragging or almost, sometimes it seems,
You're not this girl, stop it, please.

I love to laugh and sing and dance
And really not care and love and prance
 and never stop looking at the stars
As up there it seems there are no bars
Of health or pity or anger or fear
But living for the second and embracing the dear
I am blessed
I cannot believe
All that I have is more than I need
As I wake each day to love and warmth and comfort and content
I wish to admire and learn and invent
New ways of being happy
Of starting with a smile
And walking each step in sunshiney style.



Have a lovely evening,
Love,
Molly xxx

Hope your break is really lovely! Ft festive fiascos

Morning,

Alas, for once I'm writing early as opposed to around midnight so if anything else, this may flow better. (Don't hold your breath there lads).
Firstly, I hope you've had the nicest Christmas and Boxing Day ever! Christmas has got to be my absolute favourite time of year ever, mainly because you get to mull about with loved ones, eat copious amounts of food and have a proper natter with those you've haven't seen for soooo long! It's really lovely, and I feel very blessed for my loved ones, especially  when I know many are alone at Christmas, and so I hope those people have had cheer and laughter also <3. My Christmas Eve to day, meant that I visited one of my absolute best friend's for a family party, before going to my childhood church for midnight mass. Our family aren't particularly religious in general, but it was completely magical. I live in a small English countryside town and everyone knows each other if you've always gone to school here. It's completely lovely and it was so lovely after mass to bump into a lad and his Mum whom we've all known since I went to primary school. I think perhaps that's what Christmas is about, bringing yourself back to you. Your family, your roots and your oldest and best friends<3. Anyway... Getting so soppy!
I better get up soon. Me and the family are braving the post-boxing day sales in Birmingham, so I can't lounge all day even if it is very appealing :D...If you've ever been to the Christmas time sales you know that they are a absolute nightmare at the best of times. Despite all the sheer hard work of retail staff over this period, nothing is where it normally should be. I swear I've seen people literally pick up an item and literally disperse it ten yards away when they've changed their mind, but hey ho, gotta' love a challenge ;). I'm not really sure if I need to buy anything, but it's always nice having a mooch round the shops, or in my Mum's case, what seems to be a full blown list of everywhere she wants to go ;). (Nah, she's not that bad, I'm probably worse:P!)
 Before I go I thought I'd better post a song, and as I haven't already this year, I wanted to post a Christmas song. After hearing the very sad news of the passing of George Michael, it's got to be a bit of Wham "Last Christmas"!

Have the best day,
Molly xxx

Thoughts

Hiya,

Tonight, despite writing a little 'sign off for Christmas' post, I feel like writing and so will probably post this at some point in the new year :D. Seriously I am a muppet at times, I forget that sometimes I don't write to keep a regular time scale in blogging, most of the time I find myself writing when I don't have the physical energy to swim (something that I love as much as music), and need a way to get feelings out in a (hopefully) productive way.
I don't want this post to be pessimistic at all. It's just my thoughts and musings on situations. It may get a little deep - but y know me.. I'm a bit of a tangent maker :D.
I'm just thinking about life and growing up.
When you go to school, in a generic education, you are placed with people in a institutional environment for a good 16 years. Then a further few year after this of course, if you chose the higher education pathway. In this time, with the people who share your birth year (pretty much), you grow and develop. Through all having the same stimulus'. This is why, I understand, along with the fun and lack of responsibility, school days are described as the best of your life. I don't know, I'm pretty sure life can be brilliant at all ages, but you've got to agree, there's nothing quite like the regularity of school. I personally loved school, I met most of my close friends there and it definitely made me, me. But likewise, I recognise the brilliance of freedom growing up brings also.
Anyway, what I mean to say is that after this very long phase of your life, you have choices. Either, continue education, apply for an apprenticeship or go into full/part time work. This is when, the people whom you grew with, now make their own decisions that form their lives and this  puts you on slightly different pathways. This is slightly sad but ultimately wonderful as, after all, we only want each other to succeed and this change makes us who we are and become. There is also excitement in this change, for new friendships, relationships and choices present themselves.
However, the thing I'm struggling with is, I'm sure a situation felt by many. If for some reason through health or personal circumstances, you fall out of this 'loop', you are already on a completely different path to your peers. Incredibly daunting and deeply shocking this may feel (you always expect to do things in the same pattern as others do things), you learn that there are many opportunities brought by change and for me, the people I've met that I wouldn't of met and this makes me feel so grateful. (Although of course I would swap the old situation of doing things at the same time as my peers, with doing it my own way any day, it is what it is.).
I'm forever emensely happy for my friends, that they are doing all that they ever wanted to do. That they are achieving brilliant things fills me with so much joy I could completely burst. I would never want those friends to worry if I'm not right behind them in my path, I will make sure I get there in my own way, and they've got to focus on reaching their goals. However I am writing tonight just because understanding how you are on a different path, completely without any power or choice in the matter,  is one of the hardest thing I've come to accept. I WILL get there, I will do my best to achieve above what I could possibly imagine to achieve. If I feel poorly often, how can I impose pressures from when I was well? It's simply foolish. If I feel better I will do more. If I feel worse I will do what I am able. Even though I write so 'matter of fact' in that I've had to accept this is how it is, there is still a great pain in this, but one that will fade the stronger I get, when I am able to do more and achieve what I can without physical restraints.

But I do not want this to be seen in a depressing way, it is very sad that I feel I am capable of so much more than I can often show, but every day that I can do something, surely that's worth the stars anyway :).

I am constantly humbled by people who are far more restricted than I am, but continue to live and achieve. You can always achieve SOMETHING. Whether it be to read a book or gain a Nobel prize, these goals could've been set by the same person at different times of their life based on their health or age I suppose (everybody has to start somewhere anyway).

I guess what I am saying is always be proud of what you can do and don't compare it to what the person next to you can do, you are completely different and uniquely talented beings.

Thank you so much for reading this,
I hope it's made sense in a positive observation, rather than negative and that to achieve is wonderful in any sense.

Lots of love,
Molly xxx

Just have the best Christmas ever

Hey,

I know I've written a lot in this past week but I just want to take the time to say Happy Christmas to anyone who reads this! Hope you have the loveliest day and that it finds you really well and happy! <3 

Feeling really blessed for all the lovely people out there, and I think that's what Christmas is all about, whether you celebrate or not, just helping each other and spending time with loved ones <3

Looking forward to writing in 2017,

Sending loads of love,

Have the bestest time,

Molly xxx

T. Rex - Get it on - Bang a gongggggg

Hey,

 Today is one of them days that means you just want to put your headphones in and just chill. I'm in that mood when my whole day could literally be music and I'd be as happy as a girl with a chocolate cake or something (absolutely STUNNING comparison there mol;) ).

I'm desperate for some new music to enter my life but recently, it's been a bit same-y. Not that it's a bad thing, but I love that feeling of discovering a new band and then listening to every album they ever did for about three weeks straight. When I was thirteen I got back into the Beatles (they'd always been there, through my Dads's absolute complete and utter undying love for them :D, but when I was thirteen I got an album of all the number one's they'd ever had in the UK and the states). I played their album non stop for literally a month, I visited Liverpool mainly to see the cavern and I was hooked :D. I guess I still am, and despite always trying to listen to up and coming bands I'm always pulled back to them four lads from Liverpool.

Alas, as my music experience is a not as 'experiencey' as I'd like right now, I thought I better post some of the classics, as you know what it's nearly Christmas! Glad ya' glad rags on and enjoy yourselves! :D  This is T.Rex's Get it on- bang a gong :D

Omg I've just realised my two best friends are back from uni this weekend! Eeek, it feels like I haven't seen em' in forever!! I hope you've got some lovely things planned too?!
Take care,
I'll write soon :)

Molly xxx

If by Rudyard Kipling

Hey,

It's such a nice evening tonight isn't it? I'm loving the sunsets at the moment, it's like someone's just got a huge paintbrush, dipped it in pinks and coppers and kind of swished it about the sky and it's so beautiful. I'm finally feeling quite a bit better and I don't want to jinx it, I just think it's nice to be able to say! Thank goodness I actually get on with my family, else it'd be like the reinactment of Beetle juice or something, with them trying to get me out of the house :P.
I hope that whoever reads this is well too, and of course has watched Beetlejuice else I won't make any sense at all...
Everyday I'm constantly inspired to write about people. I think, sure there's some bad eggs out there, but I love how lovely people can be. It's so interesting to see how, growing up, through learning things and getting scared of things we get a little tougher and then someone sees a kitten and their inner softie comes out. It's lovely :D and I feel proper blessed to meet such people! Anyway soppiness over:D.
I'm really posting about a poem I read today that I hadn't read in ages and so I wanted to post it. It's very famous so you've probably heard of it, but if by chance you haven't, here it is. It's quite long but definitely worth reading if you stick with it:).

(Curtesy of thepoetryassociation.org)


'If' by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you   

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, 

    But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, 

    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies, 

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating, 

    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise: 

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   

    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster 

    And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken 

    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, 

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, 

    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools: 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings 

    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, 

And lose, and start again at your beginnings 

    And never breathe a word about your loss; 

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew 

    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you 

    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’ 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch, 

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, 

    If all men count with you, but none too much; 

If you can fill the unforgiving minute 

    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   

    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

I think it shows precisely how some may see life as a hard and complex thing, that's hard to fathom (which it probably is!) whilst others understand there's no such thing as perfection and that's what kipling's implicitly presenting, that you can't set all these goals for yourself just go with the Flo..? I don't know?? Don't ask me, that's just how I saw it, the author could have meant something completely different and I'm barking up the wrong tree. Plus I don't know which way is the right way to see both options anyway?? Very deep ahaha :D. But I do know that it is beautiful and, I think very true. It never fails to amaze me how someone can write so beautifully, yet still have this amazing rhyming scheme and pace- that could surpass any wizarding skills I think ;). I think I read the poem first a year ago and it's one of those that I think you can look back on and see new things. 

Have the best evening ever, and why are you reading my thoughts on poetry?! Whack on some Wham it's Christmas! ;) 

Thank you so much for reading,

Molly xxx

P.O.T.S reading

Hiya,

Tonight I want to talk about P.O.T.S - That is Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. A chronic and often debilitating condition that affects thousands of people in England alone.
Wikipedia (as on 5/12/16) explains P.O.T.S:

"Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS, also known as postural tachycardia syndrome) is a condition in which a change from the supine position to an upright position causes an abnormally large increase in heart rate, called tachycardia. Other symptoms of an orthostatic nature—occurring in response to upright posture—may accompany the tachycardia.^[1]

The causes of POTS are poorly understood, and it is likely that several distinct underlying problems can lead to the symptoms of POTS.^[2] A variety of treatments, including exercise and medications, can improve symptoms for the majority of people with POTS. Many experience "a reasonable recovery with recovery defined as the relative absence of orthostatic symptoms alone with the ability to perform the activities of daily living with minimal restriction", while in others the condition persists indefinitely.^[3] It has been estimated that there are between 500,000 and 3,000,000 people with POTS in the United States alone."

It's a condition that is still widely Unknown, but everyday is undergoing emense research, into finding relief and ultimately a cure for sufferers. Doctors are constantly becoming aware of the condition and diagnosis is becoming a little easier for patients, although there's still a long way to go. This is due to the ignorance around the condition, and that, many doctors to not know to look for signs in patients. 

Tonight, after seeing a consultant around a persistent sinus infection - another symptom of pots is being prone to infection and struggling  to recover- He explained that he actually read a report on P.O.T.S for the first time only last week and he is interested in how it affects patients. After explaining that I blog and speak frequently about the condition, he encouraged me to continue doing so and raise awareness. This is the main reason I do write, as well as finding it therapeutic whilst feeling ill with symptoms, it makes me feel better knowing that just one person might know a little bit more than they did before.

Take care,

Thank you for reading,

Molly xxx

Sources 

Wikipedia -   https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postural_orthostatic_tachycardia_syndrome

Pots uk - http://www.potsuk.org

Nhs choices definition of Pots- http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/postural-tachycardia-syndrome/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Disautonomia website explaining pots (autonomic disfunction) - http://www.dysautonomiainternational.org/page.php?ID=30

Poetry

Hey,

Sorry for the late posts, I really want to be asleep but my mind stays awake longer than my body evidently :( :D.

Right now I'm in the mood, not to talk but to learn. When I'm like this and it's too late to have a deep conversation, as most people are sleeping, I think poetry is the best thing.

Having briefly read a few poems, I've picked this one out at random;

'A dream within a dream'
By Edgar Allan Poe

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow--
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand--
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep--while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

I'm just, on first and ever reading, fascinated by the illusiveness that is a 'dream within a dream'. A state that must be entirely certain and positively uncertain at the same time. You grasp for something that is so seemingly unattainable that you have to produce one dream in order to get to the second? Or it may be an entirely different case altogether, that's just my interpretation. I know absolutely nothing about Allan Poe, but the rhythmic pace this poem adapts is somehow comforting. Like a story told many times, both out loud and in thought, deep rhetorical questioning forms the basis for the narrator's understanding of the situation themselves.

I feel it's undoubtedly about lost or unrequited love. It is the grasp of understanding in feelings that are too powerful for the author to comprehend... Or possibly?

I love the sand sliding through the fingers metaphor, being used as a symbol of time passing and powerlessness. I feel that, with this lack of being able to control time, the protagonist just stands,  observing the beauty of everything.

So fascinating...I know I may seem like I'm completely in my own world droning on about poetry at stupid o clock, and I am, but I do find poetry so interesting. I love how my view doesn't really matter as everyone sees the meaning behind each poem differently.

Anyway, I'll sleep now I think! 

Keep dreaming, but maybe in reality :) 

Molly xxx